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June 11, 2010
"I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change..."

That's the name of a long-running off-Broadway play, as well as the pattern of many relationships. Oftentimes, when my couples clients talk about what they experienced when they first met their partners, it sounds mysterious, mystical, outside of anything logical. A man sees a woman across a crowded room and instantly knows she will become his wife. A woman feels her future partner approaching her before she can actually see him. A platonic best friend suddenly becomes a romantic beloved. In those magical moments, your partner is the perfect "other" you have been waiting for all your life. And then, for most couples, the trouble begins.

The trouble can take many forms, but it often revolves around the notion that, "You're great, but..." Whatever drew you to each other – deep similarities or differences – suddenly become aversive. Disillusionment sets in. Power struggles ensue. Each person feels rejected, alone, misunderstood.

Where to go from there? The answers are different for each couple. But I think two things can be particularly powerful catalysts for healing. One is unconditional love, to love your partner in their entirety, the way many people are fortunate to experience love in the parent-child relationship. Unconditional love doesn't mean you expect your partner to remain frozen and unchangeable, in their current state of being forever, simply that you love them exactly as they are right now.

 

A second helpful element is to acknowledge that you probably don't know your partner nearly as well as you think you do. To know them more fully, you have to be able to communicate in an avidly curious, non-defensive way. All of this is easier said than done. It can be considerably more difficult if your partner is very different than you. But, once underway, the process of ongoing discovery and connection can be infinitely fascinating and life-giving.

If you have a partner, you chose that unique human being out of the billions of people on this earth. In their own way, your partner probably wants to be known and loved as much as you do. Keep moving toward that.

April 8, 2010
The Mathematics of Love: Blending Relationships and Individuality

“Once the realization is accepted that, even between the closest human beings, infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

If romantic relationships were mathematical equations, many people would view them through the lens of subtraction: Two become one. I prefer to view adult love relationships as a process of addition: Two become three – two individuals and a new entity, the couple.

Although I’m a huge fan of genuine romance, I think pop culture fosters an image of romantic love that causes problems for many couples. When operating from the “two become one” worldview, some people get hurt when their partner doesn’t know what they’re experiencing, in virtually a telepathic way: “If he loved me, he would understand what I’m feeling without me having to explain it all the time.” “When I walk in the door, she should be able to tell from the look on my face that something’s wrong.” With those kinds of expectations, partners often set themselves up for disappointment and resentment.

The photo and quote featured in this message create a different picture, one of two people who are intimately connected and also distinct individuals, whole against the sky. They haven’t lost themselves but have instead gained a true partner. What a gift.

April 6, 2010
Deep Conversations
Boost Happiness
How much time do you spend in deep conversation? The answer could have a significant impact on your quality of life.

Two recent studies got me to seriously thinking about this topic. One American study noted that people who reported themselves as happiest spent 70 percent more time talking, had twice as many substantive conversations and did one-third as much small-talking as less happy people.

Another British study found that the increase in happiness from a $1,329 course of therapy was so significant that it would take a pay raise of more than $41,542 to achieve an equal boost in well-being, which suggests that therapy could be as much as 32 times more cost-effective at improving well-being than simply getting more money.

These two findings appear to be linked, both indicating that depthful conversations – inside or outside of a therapeutic setting – contribute to satisfaction levels. And, yet, in reality, how many substantial conversations do most of us have? Much communication revolves around such things as work-related happenings, chit-chat about pop culture, small talk about household tasks and the like. Not that any of that is bad, but augmenting it with deeper explorations about feelings, meaning, values, philosophy and other meaty topics appears to boost personal satisfaction.

(Note: The study about conversations was conducted by researchers at Washington University in St. Louis and the University of Arizona and published in Psychological Science in 2010. The study about the value of therapy was conducted by researchers at the University of Warwick and published in Health, Economics, Policy and Law in 2009.)

March 25, 2010
Research Update: Loneliness
and Gender Roles
Here are a few interesting tidbits about recent research on psychological topics:

• People who rated themselves as the most lonely had blood pressure rates 14.4 points higher than people who reported being the least lonely, in a five-year study conducted by University of Chicago researchers.

• A larger percentage of men now are married to women who earn more than they do and have more education, according to a Pew Research Center study. In 1970, 4 percent of wives made more than their husbands; as of 2007, that figure rose to 22 percent. Twenty percent of wives had more than education than their husbands in 1970, compared to 28 percent in 2007.

Feb. 23, 2010

Exploring Our Self-Imposed Limitations

The large ficus tree benefits from an extensive root system and the warmth of the sun. Not bound by the constraints of a pot, it freely spreads its roots. The light and nutrients it receives from the earth allow it to grow robust branches full of leaves. When the wild winds blow, the tree’s strong root system prevents it from toppling over, unlike a potted plant.

How does this translate to human beings? Many of us live like the small ficus, bound by a pot we’ve created that only allows us to reach so far. Our walls might spring from a sense of constriction: “This is as far as I can go. I’m not allowed past here.” They might be defined by fear: “I’m safe inside my little container. The world outside is too scary.” Whatever defines the boundaries, they can stunt our growth in all directions.

We can also keep ourselves hidden in the shade, like the little ficus on the porch. What would happen if we as individuals stood openly in the light of day, fully visible to ourselves and others? Would we flourish in the warmth? Would we burn? How deep and wide could we grow if we broke out of our restrictive boxes? There’s only one way to find out…

What Feelings Need to Bubble Up?
Getting in Touch With Your Inner Self
“Dig within. Within is the wellspring of good; and it is always ready to bubble up, if you just dig.”
~ Marcus Aurelius

Self-reflection and emotional honesty can ultimately be very liberating and exhilarating, but the prospect of digging deeply within ourselves can be frightening. What will we find? What will we unleash? Should we play it safe and just let sleeping dogs lie in the realm of emotions?

Most of us turn away from feelings we are uncomfortable with, such as sorrow, shame, fear, anger or vulnerability. We keep them buried and don’t acknowledge them. Or we allow one “bad” feeling to take center stage and shun the rest, such as an outwardly angry woman who is masking feelings of loneliness or a jealous man who harbors shame inside.

Where did we learn to live like this, with such large parts of ourselves hiding in the shadows? Generally, in our childhood homes. For instance, if you grew up in a family where everyone was expected to put on a happy face whatever the circumstances, you might still stuff down a lot of difficult feelings. If your family was tuned to one emotional channel, such as anxiety or resentment, you might not have learned to welcome the entire spectrum of feelings into your awareness.

Regardless of your personal history or your current emotional landscape, digging down can clear away psychological debris and release a wellspring of emotions that allow you to live the full, authentic life you deserve.

Recipe for Healing
“To help the body’s defenses, the best things are love and hugs, warm liquids like chicken soup, and time.” ~ Dr. Bruce Rubin, Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center

Dr. Rubin was actually advising parents about how to help their children overcome colds. But I think his words contain more far-reaching insight. Indeed, don’t the ingredients he mentions comprise a good recipe for healing the wounds we all experience in this life?
 
Love. Hugs. Warm liquids. Time. In addition to having soothing properties, another thing these ingredients share is that their energy can multiply when mixed with an element of action. For example, a friend of mine says, “The best way to get a good hug is to give one first.” And doesn’t being an actively loving person both enrich your soul and tend to bring more love your way, as opposed to waiting for others to love you? If you’re feeling stressed, instead of anxiously ruminating about your troubles, how would it feel to enjoy a warm beverage in a comforting environment?

Time. Conventional wisdom says it heals all wounds. But, in my experience, the passage of time alone does not heal. If you’re suffering, you have to be willing to take action, in this case to risk sinking into the abyss before you can emerge transformed. Much of this life you can influence. Much of it you simply have to trust in order for it to work its mysterious ways. Blended, taking action and surrendering to the forces of life are powerful beyond description.

Spinning Your Wheels? The Unproductive Nature of Anxiety
“You must learn to be still in the midst of activity and to be vibrantly alive in repose.” ~ Indira Gandhi

In these turbulent times, many people feel overwhelmed with anxiety. As they contemplate personal and professional stressors, their gears are spinning, but they’re not meshing into anything meaningful. A paradoxical aspect of anxiety is that it feels like activity, since your mind is constantly racing, but oftentimes the end result is a frozen state where the only thing you’re producing is more tension and fear.

Untold numbers of self-help books hold millions of words of advice about how to manage stress and anxiety. But I believe they can all be summarized by what has become known as the Serenity Prayer, where you aspire to have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference. I suppose it has to begin with the wisdom, as you examine your life and determine where you can create change and where you cannot. The process of gracefully accepting the unalterable (which often has to do with people you would like to change!) can produce both inner peace and increased energy for efforts more likely to yield fruit.

Once you have quieted the endless mental chatter that comes with anxiety, you create a tranquil space where you can actually hear your wise inner voice. If you listen closely, it will guide you to where you need to go and help you appreciate where you are right now.

Connecting With Hope
During Trying Times
“If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.” ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Longing and hope are often intertwined, but these days many people hold more longing than hope inside of them. The country’s economic woes, and their impact on everyone’s lives, have induced a level of fear that can mightily trample on hope.

As people feel the financial pinch in their daily lives and watch home equity and investment values plummet, fear can take hold and create self-fulfilling prophecies of doom.

If hopelessness or crippling fear have crept into your life, what would it take for you to connect with “the endless immensity of the sea?" That phrase could mean many things. For me, it conjures up two images. One is of the joy we experience when we consciously take in the immeasurable beauty of everyday life. The other image relates to the future, as we stand on the shore of today and ponder what lies before us in the endless sea of possibilities.

Cherish today. Believe in tomorrow, and then you can start to gather the wood and create the plans that will produce your ship of dreams.